she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
