I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
