On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
