i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Found your dick twin last night
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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