Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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