please come you make the beer taste better
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
