Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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