Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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