I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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