I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
