So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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