FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
