I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Can I color on your dick again?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
