would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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