the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
