I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
