I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
