you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
