meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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