im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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