someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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