just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
