Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
