I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
