I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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