There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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