Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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