Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My life is pants optional.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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