she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
