I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
