I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
