Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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