so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i can't believe i had my finger in that
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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