it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
