you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
