Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
