a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
