Will you blow on my dice?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
