my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i need some magic done to my vagina
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
