What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
