she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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