im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
