I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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