Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I puked a lego.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
