Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
