i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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