My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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