dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
