I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
