the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
